


Don't Do That

by davidsenzi



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst, Davenzi, David's oblivious, Fluff, If you don't like that don't read, M/M, Mutual Pinning, Slow Burn, asexual rep, i swear it's all really cute, it like kinda is a christmas au now, they're both asexual, whoops i have no regrets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2020-05-18 09:21:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19331695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/davidsenzi/pseuds/davidsenzi
Summary: “You telling me you’re jealous?” He snickers.David rolls his eyes.Yes. “No.” Extremely.“You’re still my best friend, David. I’m not gonna ditch you at the party. I want to be with you.”Oh and how it fucking hurts that the last phrase isn’t meant the way David so desperately wants it to mean.~At first David was more than overjoyed to share a dorm with Matteo, but it’s turns out it’s even harder to suppress feelings with someone you’re living with.





	1. Too Much

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think we have enough au's in David's perspective, so here we have David head over heels in love with Matteo because that goof is falling hard here :)))

David drops his wallet and phone on the kitchen counter when he gets home.

He has a couple text messages from Laura that he needs to respond to, but decides that it can wait.

He’s been out since 07:50 for his 08:00 class and it’s now 13:46 because Leonie wanted to grab lunch with him and Sara; and all David’s wanted to do since he’s left the house is see Matteo.

And finally, he can see Matteo...after he checks his recent texts.

 

13:46

 **Leonie** : hey!! wanna work on our project on Monday?

 **Leonie** : i’m thinking maybe after my class so at 10:15ish?

 

He walks into their bedroom area and stops in the doorway, hand grabbing the doorframe.

At first he barely notices the beauty Matteo is at his desk because he is too caught up thinking about why he should want to hang out with Leonie tomorrow.

He drinks in the sight of the concentrated look Matteo's wearing.  _Fuck_ , he looks good.

He tries to focus on why he likes Leonie while he watches Matteo. He really does, but the thought ends with her best friend Sara who’s been around Matteo a lot more than he ever remembers her being.

“You know we have more than one chair in here, right?”

Ah, there it is. That sarcastic tone dripping from Matteo’s pink lips that suits him well.

He smiles as he walks into their bedroom and pulls up his desk chair next to Matteo’s.

“I’m just so taken aback from you actually doing work,” He comes up with and he’s glad he did because Matteo’s crystal blue eyes shoot up in his direction to imitate his signature pouty face.

“What are you working on?” David asks, looking over to the notes he’s rewriting.

“Sociology, Amira said I should rewrite them to study so...I’m listening to her suggestion.”

David giggles, “Wow, how big of you.”

Matteo twirls the pencil in his hand and it feels like he’s putting David in a trance.

“I know, really. It felt big of me.”

David stays looking at Matteo for a little too long before clearing his throat and asking, “Are we going to Carlos' party tomorrow?”

 

Yes. _We._

Because David and Matteo are best friends that don’t do anything apart from each other, which David notes is the best and worst thing to happen for him.

 

Matteo smiles, putting down his pencil, “Ya, if you want to.”

Then his heart drops —when remembering Sara would be there —and David’s smirk falters before he can recover it and pretend nothing happened.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” Matteo insists, spinning his chair to face David.

 _Fuck_. The sincerity in his voice.

“No, it’s not...I’ll go,” He says, and _fuck_ he knows Matteo won’t believe that stutter.

Because he’s putty in Matteo’s hands and can’t even lie to him if he tried.

“Why...what is it? Are you okay?” Matteo asks while stretching his arm out to lightly grab his forearm.

He tries to ignore the shiver that runs down his spine.

Matteo seems to always know exactly how to touch him in a way that... _fuck_.

That makes him feel like he can and can’t breathe at the same time.

No one's ever been able to do that besides his binder, which he's really been working on with Matteo's too caring reminders. 

He simply shrugs, saying, “You and Sara are getting closer.”

Matteo’s thumb caresses his skin and it feels tingly.

He chuckles a little bit.

“You telling me you’re jealous?” He snickers.

David rolls his eyes.

 _Yes_. “No.” _Extremely._

“You’re still my best friend, David. I’m not gonna ditch you at the party. I want to be with you.”

Oh and how it fucking hurts that the last phrase isn’t meant the way David so desperately wants it to mean.

He nods.

And stupidly Matteo lowers and tilts his head until he’s sure there’s no way he can’t be in David’s view.

“Okay?”

David looks at him and nods, “Cool. Okay.”

“Pasta?” Matteo asks and all too soon he’s standing and his hand isn’t on David anymore.

“Okay,” David softly answers, taking a second to follow him.

Ever since college started and they’ve been in this dorm together David has noticed the need for time to collect himself before or after being with Matteo.

 

* * *

 

Matteo looks beautiful tonight.

 

Just like he does every single night, David thinks as he watches Matteo bob his head to the beat of the music, from the other side of the room. He's probably blabbering something stupid to the boys.

Right now Linn's telling him blackmail worthy information about his sister so he can bother her about the infamous Laura and Linn relationship, but Matteo looks over and makes a stupid face that makes David forget what Linn's saying.

He’s not sure when his feelings for Matteo skewed from friendship to more.

He thinks it happened really early on, though. He knows this isn't new. 

But really, he’s not sure when Matteo’s ever not made his stomach do summersaults or his breath catch with a simple look or touch. At least, a couple years.

 

The first thing he learns about Matteo is how badly he wanted to become friends with him.

Sure, it wasn’t just his personality that got him. His looks also had an influence, but it was so much more than stupid looks.

It was the sadness he so greatly wanted to pull right out of Matteo.

And not a distraction, he wanted to be Matteo's ray of sunshine.

And he knows relationships aren’t supposed to be like that. Relationships are supposed to make you want to make yourself a better person.

But to make David feel like a better person he’s convinced he has to give Matteo all the love he has because Matteo didn’t get enough when he was little.

As a result of this, getting to know every little thing about Matteo...something just happened.

The late night talks and touches just somehow felt increasingly intimate and started to mean more than they probably should have.

It just happened so quickly and slowly, at the same time.

 

Out of nowhere Sara’s by Matteo's side and there’s this amused smile on his face that tugs at David’s heart in this unbelievable way he wishes it wouldn’t.

Because David’s looking at the way Matteo’s looking at Sara and he hates that it’s the same way he looks at him.

 

 _Fuck_. He finds himself looking for drinks after he watches Sara laugh and place an arm on Matteo’s.

 

When he starts digging through the beers, he curses under his breath.

He didn’t even want to drink tonight. He doesn’t actually want to drink. He just wants to blur things a bit. So he won’t feel _as much_ around Matteo.

“Getting drunk without me?”

It’s that charming smirk and sarcasm dripping from those lips he tries not to stare at for so long.

“I wouldn’t,” He says, hands up in a surrender and turns to Matteo.

“Then what are you doing?” He asks, quirking a brow.

That’d a good question.

“I...I don’t know…” He says because it’s quite literally how he feels.

“Do you wanna get out of here?” He asks and David just looks at him. Amazed.

The look in his eyes glistening with understanding and care.

Is it possible he hasn’t realized the complete sincerity on Matteo’s face when he talks to everyone, not just Sara?

David manages to huff out a “What?”

“Well, tonight’s gonna be total shit if you don’t wanna be here,” He reasons so easily like he’s dropping everything for him and he doesn’t want Matteo to have to make sacrifices like that.

He doesn’t deserve it. He’s taking advantage and he wants to stop.

“No, I’m okay here.”

After receiving a doubtful look, David cracks a smile.

“Do you wanna dance?”

And there’s that goofy lopsided grin that perfectly fits Matteo’s face.

Matteo extends his hand out to David and he takes a second to mentally prepare himself from placing his hand into Matteo’s.

His voice says _yes_ and his eyes scream pain.

When Matteo drags David to the makeshift dance floor it feels like the last time this happened.

 

A dream.

Matteo makes David feel like it’s all a dream.

A good dream.

The kind you don’t want to wake up from.

 

It’s therapeutic to see Matteo so carefree, dancing like a kid in high school. He’s jumping up and down leaving David no choice, but to jump with him.

His one hand that’s intertwined with Matteo’s feels so warm. So safe.

He realizes _Turning_ _Me On_ is playing and David prays the song will stop.

The jumping among the crowd still goes on, but there’s a lot more bodies smothered against each other and it’s just a sweet reminder that 99% of the world is not like him.

Matteo seems to notice how uncomfortable he is because he’s pulling him close to his body.

And if it were anybody else, he thinks it wouldn't've felt too close, but it's Matteo.

He's one of the 1%. His safe place.

“You aren’t alone, David. I feel the same way,” He whispers into David’s ear and somehow he hears it.

He feels his cheeks grow a bit rosy when Matteo’s pulling away to look at him.

“I know,” David says, remembering.

 

~~~ _~_ _~_

 

David walks into Matteo’s flat, being welcomed in my Hans.

He looks down at the messages again before going to Matteo’s room.

He only received them 10 minutes ago.

 

23:23

 **Matteo** : can you come over

 **Matteo** : i need to tell you something

 

His heart is beating too fast, imagining the endless possibilities of what Matteo could possibly want to say, but he practically runs there because Matteo only says things like that when he needs him.

He knocks on Matteo’s door and hears a soft, “Come in.”

His heart drops when he sees Matteo breathing unsteadily on his bed.

“Matteo,” He says, dropping his body next to Matteo’s.

It looks like he’s trying to say something, but is too busy stopping his eyes from watering.

“I don’t know how to say this,” He says, head falling onto David’s shoulder.

He goes to grab Matteo’s hand and squeeze it reassuringly.

“That’s okay, just try.”

The room goes quiet for a couple minutes while David remains holding Matteo's hand and whispering calming things to him about how he'll always be there for him.

“I’m asexual,” He murmurs through a sigh with this anxious tone, as if he thinks it’s possible for David to love him any less because of it.

 

Relief. Hope. Excitement he knows he shouldn’t have. It all fills his body.

Too much is filling his body. Too much.

 

“I am too,” David whispers back, almost immediately, with a faint smile.

 

He doesn’t know how he let it slip so easily.

He’s never told anyone else.

He just knows it’s safe with Matteo. Matteo would never judge him.

 

Matteo lets out a shaky breath as he leans his body further against him, making his heart skip a couple more beats.

“I feel so safe with you David, like...I dunno...like everything’s not so fucked up after all. Like it’s okay.”

His voice is so...soothing and beautiful.

David smiles in awe and hopes his cheeks aren’t as red as they feel.

Matteo adds, “Thanks for being there for me.”

“Always,” David assures him. And it’s a promise. David means it when he makes promises _._

 

_~~~~~_

 

And as betrayed as he feels with Sara, he knows better than to be. He knows it’s wrong. And he made that promise to be Matteo’s _always._

 

He is Matteo’s _always_ and he isn’t going to stop even if it breaks his heart.

Because Matteo deserves it. He deserves everything. He was deprived of love his entire childhood and David will be damned if he doesn’t offer him all the love he has.

Matteo’s just dreamy.

 

Suddenly the song slows and everyone’s wrapping themselves around someone else. And it's not hot, per say, it's more soft and loving.

 _Heaven_ is blaring from the speakers _._

Time is definitely slowing down.

 

_Will you surrender? Restless in a war, war_

_We’re sailing, farewell love_

 

They’ve dance together at parties for years with their bodies hovering this close to each other, but Matteo’s face is so much closer than he ever remembers it being.

“David,” Matteo says, eyes searching his own for something he’s not sure of what.

 

_We praise our shared destiny_

 

“Matteo,” David says and it’s too much.

 

 _Too_ playful. _Too_ hopeful. _Too_ excited. _Too_ nervous.

 

He knows he shouldn’t, but he can’t help it.

“Is this your attempt to ask me to slow dance?” He shouts over the music.

There’s this shade of red growing on Matteo’s cheeks as he nods that looks so...beautiful.

 

_Be sure to embrace the dreams_

_I’m more than a dead and gone_

 

 _Fuck_. When he called Matteo beautiful tonight, he hadn’t even consider the shirt.

That bright colored button up that’s clinging onto Matteo’s body as he wraps his arms around his own waist.

 

_Close your eyes_

 

His eyes are downcast when he moves his arms around Matteo’s neck.

There’s this fluttery butterfly feeling in the pit of his stomach when he realizes their bodies are syncing up and mimicking each other.

They're moving to perfectly together.

 

_I see the past of the time passing fast_

_The present’s over and gone_

 

Matteo’s so casually tugging at his shirt in his own little way to pull him closer.

 

_So know I’m ready, trust my soul_

 

He slowly inhales, taking in the presence of his best friend. He wants to get lost feeling of Matteo around him.

 

_I’m hoping to fly with style, we shall know_

 

“Thank you,” David loudly says so Matteo can hear him.

He chuckles, “Why?”

 

_Trust in me and set me free_

 

“Because I didn’t want to be here, but now I do,” He answers.

 

_Trust in me and set me free_

_You’re hiding your love_

 

Matteo grins at him.

“I’m here for you, dumbass. I told you _we_ ’d go to this together.”

 

_I don’t wish to try this alone_

_I feel lone, why shouldn’t I go_

 

“Shit,” Matteo mumbles and David tilts his head.

“What?” He asks.

Matteo smiles at him, “I think we ditched the guys.”

David looks around and notices Jonas, Carlos, and Abdi huddled in the corner of the room.

They aren't even dancing with their girlfriends, but here David is wrapped around Matteo who is not his boyfriend. Not that he's anyone's boyfriend, David doesn't think. He hopes with too much hope.

 

_`Cause even the time we’re so longing gets blown._

 

Jonas looks over and gives him this sad knowing glance that makes his stomach twist. How does Jonas know everything? He can’t.

It should hit him how late it probably is.

 

_I feel I tried_

_I feel so alone_

 

“We probably did,” He smirks back, feeling more energized because how can he forget about how close Matteo's face is to his so they can talk?

 

_One day we’ll say it to the glow_

_I dream so too_

 

He wants to go back to dreaming. Because in the dream, both parties share the same feelings and right here, at this party, it’s just David holding on to too much hope.

 

_The dreams turn alive, in the heavens_

_When we surrender, restless in a war, war_

 

And then Magenta Riddim starts to play and it drives David crazy how carried away he got for those 3 minutes and 39 seconds. His daydream is over.

Matteo’s pulling back with a teasing smile because David has failed to move his arms from his neck.

He clears his throat and does so.

And abruptly he’s being dragged by Leonie, torn away from Matteo, Sara’s approaching Matteo, and he’s trying to remember all the reasons he couldn’t come up with as to why he is still friends with Leonie who’s best friend is Sara.

 

At nearly 03:00 David and Matteo fall into their dorm beds, exhausted.


	2. It Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wants to run and not reply, but Matteo’s swollen eyes and pain somehow brings him to whisper, “I didn’t like it.”
> 
> “Okay.”
> 
> He scoffs, “How are you okay with that?”
> 
> “You don’t have to like what I do with girls.”
> 
> He raises a brow, “Why?”
> 
> “Because I’m gay, David, it’s fine. I didn’t think you’d act this weird when you found out. It was just my bed, but I guess it looked kind of suggestive.
> 
>  
> 
> The only part he catches is the “Because I’m gay, David.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, realizing i didn't give everyone updates on this one. Dang, we're back at it. Enjoy chapter 2 which I accidentally made double the length of chapter 1.

David drags himself to Leonie’s house to work on their project because he has no reason not to. 

“I don’t get it, you’re being so weird,” Leonie sighs while dramatically falling back onto the bed.

They’re both sitting in Leonie’s room, books and papers huddled around them.

They’ve been going back and forth with David dodging questions and restating, “I’m no —I’m just out of it, okay?” He corrects himself because Leonie can see right through any lie he gives her.

“What’s bothering you?” She asks, brining her hands up behind her head.

 

_ Oh. _ David realizes how blindsighted he was.

 

Her inviting him over to work on their project was an elaborate ploy to get him to talk out his feelings.

Well, it’s not working.

“I mean, nothing. Nothing’s wrong.”

Leonie snorts, “It sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself of that.”

David looks to her. 

“Sara and Matteo are getting close.”

Leonie smiles at him, “And?”

He raises a brow, “And?”

“You’re…afraid? Anxious? Jealous?”

 

_ Jealous.  _ “I don’t really know.”  _ Extremely jealous. _

 

Leonie tilts her head in the same manner he does.

“It just feels weird and I know it shouldn’t.”

He plans on adding more, but notices Leonie try to steady her breathing a bit. 

In and out and in and out.

“What is it?”

She bats her eyes open and gives a shy smile.

“I’m in love with Sara...and like have been since high school. Probably since you moved here, freshman year.”

David’s lips fall slightly apart. 

 

_ What the fuck is this supposed to mean? _

 

“Really?”

 

_ Great.  _

 

Leonie’s in love with Sara who’s in love with Matteo who’s probably in love with Sara too. 

Sara’s a loveable person. She really is.  _ She’s lovable. _

She nods, sighing, with a faint shade of blush appearing, “Yeah.”

Leonie brings one of her hands down to gently tap on her bed.

“I mean...it’s almost exactly like you and Matteo,” She adds.

 

_ What?  _

 

Because it will never happen and no matter how much time they spend on it, no progress with be made?

David freezes.

He clenches his teeth.

His heartbeat picks up.

His breathing isn’t as steady.

His shoulders tense up.

No one’s supposed to notice how stupidly selfish David’s being.

 

“Hey, David,” She soothingly says, sitting back up, putting a hand on one of his shoulders. 

“What is it about it that stresses you out? You never talk about it.” She asks.

“That I’m...Leonie, I can’t even say it,” He sighs.

She nudges him, “It’s okay, you know. You definitely deserve him.”

He drops his head and Leonie doesn’t miss a beat.

She holds up his face so he’s looking directly at her.

This is why he likes Leonie and wants to hang out with her. Not because of Sara— who she and Matteo are both in love with— who everyone wants to be around, except for David. 

Because Leonie’s caring and sweet, but honest. She reminds him a lot of his sister.

“Everything with him stresses me out,” He finally brings himself to say.

She caresses his shoulder, “Why?”

“Because I take advantage of him and it makes me an awful best friend.”

She quirks a brow, giving him an  _ explain please  _ look on her face.

“When we talk I can barely focus on what he’s saying, lately. And, fuck. It’s the stupid touching, Leonie. I touch him too much and he doesn’t tell me to stop. I get too flattered over shit we’ve been doing for years.”

“You’d describe Matteo as physically affectionate, right?”

David nearly groans, but  _ thank god _ he catches himself. Leonie wouldn’t’ve let go of that.

He nods because he doesn’t trust any words right now.

“You know he’s not like that with anyone else, right? Not even Jonas and I’ve watched those goofs since 2nd grade,” Leonie reasons.

David shrugs, “Jonas helped Matteo through a lot.” 

He does not go into specifics because Matteo confided in him.

“He’s been tactile towards Jonas.”

Leonie smiles, “You trying to tell me that he likes Jonas?”

_ Sara.  _ “No.”

“You could be decently surprised to find out his taste in guys.”

David feels like shrinking and running away.

“I told you,” And it’s too harsh, but he continues, “He hasn’t come out to me as anything except...Leonie, I can’t.”

She gives him a stern look and he has to admit, she could really sell it as Laura’s.

“Some people don’t like labels.”

His hand twitches. 

“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t support them. I know he’s gone to a pride parade with you, multiple times actually. With you being trans and panromantic, he’s supported you.”

David slides her hand off of himself when he goes to lay on the bed. 

“Because friends support each other, Leonie.”

“Matteo  _ loves _ you,” She says while going to lay next to him.

He clarifies, “Matteo  _ loves _ his friends.”

Leonie rolls her eyes.  “You know that’s not what I mean.”

David closes his eyes and swallows.  “I have to go.”

“This is the first time I’ve talked about boys with you and it’s been all of what...2 hours you’ve been over, and you already want to leave? What buzzkill.” She pouts.

David sits back up and stands up.

“Okay, yes, but also...Matteo’s going to starve if I don’t go back. I told him I’d grab him lunch on my way back —which your timing was wrong because it’s 13:00 —and if I don’t bring food soon he will kill me.”

“I’ll walk you,” She says, motioning outside of her dorm.

“Also, next time we hang, we’re having a dance party. I think that’s what you need.”

David snorts, “Because dancing’s going to make me forget about my problems.”

As she opens the door she smirks, “It seemed to work at the party.”

David licks his lips.

He does not know if she’s referring to when he was slow dancing with Matteo —which only made him feel more guilty — or when she pulled him away from Matteo —which only made him want to be wrapped around him again.

“Relax, David. Life’s not as anti-David as you think it is. I bet if you told him how you’ve been feeling he wouldn’t do or say anything to hurt you.”

David groans, stepping into the hall.

“Are you impersonating Laura?”

She nods, “Did I do well?”

He rolls his eyes, “Yeah, you did great.”

And he thinks about it.

He had to admit she had some truth behind it.

Matteo would never intentionally try to hurt him.

Even if he didn’t exactly like whatever was going on...Matteo always tries to be there for him. 

 

_ Always. _

 

“Okay, text me later, don’t ignore me again,” She says with a slight pouty tone.

David rolls his eyes, but nods as he walks out.

 

* * *

 

David groans as he manages to open his dorm door with his 2 free fingers. 

He has his backpack around his back, phone in 1 hand, and food in the other. 

He just received a text from his partner for a project and it confirms that he absolutely dislikes them. 

They aren’t planning on doing any work, because they’re “busy,” though that’s fine because he probably wasn’t going to use any of their suggestions. But still, being in college and having slackers is annoying as fuck. 

He slips into the living area and places everything down. 

He then grabs his laptop and figures he should just start working on it before he finds a perfectly awful excuse to procrastinate because he wants to spend time with Matteo. 

Only when his hand grips onto the bedroom door, he hears a girl's voice on the other side.  _ Fuck. _

Slowly he opens it and he tries his hardest not to let his half smile falter when he sees Sara sitting on Matteo’s bed, fingers tugging at the comforter.

“I know, it’s like— David...”

He wanted Matteo sitting on his bed to become a regular occurrence, not the other way around with someone else. 

 

And of all the people in the world, not Sara Adamyzke. 

 

He thanks God that Matteo’s sitting at his desk and not on the bed next to her. It’s casual enough that he’s able to pull it together and say, “Hey Matteo...Sara, I uh —there’s food if you want some.”

His entire body looks deflated. 

Sara smiles, “Thanks David. How’s the project progress with Leonie?”

He forces himself to smile at the girl sitting on Matteo’s bed before placing his laptop on his desk. 

“I just...have a project I need to work on, but if you guys want me to mo— ”

“— Sara, weren’t you on your way out?”

His body stops turning towards his desk at that comment.

 

_ Sara, weren’t you on your way out? _

 

Something about that sits weird in David’s stomach. Fuck, isn’t it just awful he’s analyzing this stupid comment too much? It doesn’t help he doesn’t remember Leonie talking about lunch.

She at first shoots him this confused look before sighing, and giving him a knowing one.

“Ah, yes. Leonie wanted me back for lunch. I should be on my way out, then.”

Matteo offers her a small smile and shrugs off David’s head tilt.

“I’ll text you, then? Friday?”

Matteo swiftly nods and opens his door.

David can’t peel his eyes away watching Sara steady herself as she stands up from his bed.

 

Sara on Matteo’s fucking bed.

The image is replaying in his head and he can’t stop it.

Sara on Matteo’s fucking bed.

 

“I can let myself out, don’t worry about it.”

And with the click of their bedroom door and another followed a couple seconds later, Matteo doesn’t miss a beat.

He stands up, pushes his chair, and goes to sit at his bed.

David plays with his earbuds in his hands while he plugs them in. 

He makes the mistake of looking back to Matteo laying on his bed which only sends his mind into thoughts racing 100 miles per hour of how  _ perfect _ Matteo looks there...how greatly he’d like for that to become a normal thing he does.

How fucked up is it to wish all this stuff about your best friend? 

He was just so outraged about Sara and here he is— an actual two minutes later— being incredibly selfish again. 

“What was that about?” David inquires, trying to make it sound like he doesn’t care as much as he does, but he fails and Matteo can tell. 

Matteo easily responds, “She just wants to go shopping.”

“Not with Leonie?” He asks, shifting his gaze to his earbuds because he can’t face Matteo.

“Well...it’s kinda weird between them right now.”

He snorts at that

_ No shit.  _ Leonie’s in love with Sara and Sara’s always with Matteo.

“What is it David?”

“Nothing,” He dismisses it.

He logs into his computer and puts in his earbuds, but he can feel Matteo’s stare and he knows he can’t actually start working.  _ Fuck. _ He wants to spend time with Matteo and eat lunch with him.

“Dav—”

“— I have a project to work on, please Matteo.”

“I thought you got food so we could eat and catch  up, but fuck...fine.”

“Stop acting like that! You— ” David stops dead in his tracks.

He is in complete and utter disbelief that he snapped like that and on top of it, he’s decided to sugarcoat his words with hateful reminders of what Matteo’s parents used to spit at him. 

 

~~~~~

 

“Stop acting like that! You aren’t unhappy, Matteo” or  “Stop acting like that! You aren’t depressed, Matteo” or “Stop acting like that! You aren’t asexual, Matteo” or David’s personal least favorite, “Stop acting like that! You aren’t alone.” 

Matteo despondently chokes up those phrases into the skin of David’s collarbone about his parents yelling that just seems to never stop. 

Those words seethed at Matteo. Sure his mom has depression, but David can’t help the hatred bubbling inside of him when he imagines her letting those words sink through Matteo’s body without the bat of an eyelash.

It always ends with Matteo being fired at for wanting peace with his dad sure to throw up every single think he’s ever confided in him.

He tries to reason for his father, saying he has it hard trying to make all the income and he wasn’t in the mood to “deal” with him. 

David doesn’t understand how Matteo thinks he’s this thing that needs to be dealt with. He’s not like that. He’s everything, but that.

It’s surprising to hear Matteo mutter those words. Painful, but surprising.

For a very long time, it was a little text that he needed him and then they’d stay quiet for a while, Matteo clinging onto him for dear life.

Then it progressed to a quiet, “My mom or “My dad.” 

Eventually followed with, “I have depression so these little things impact me a lot.”

No question, it was manipulative. 

And as much as David dislikes hating, he hates Matteo’s parents for that. Belittling him into this quiet, sad boy that would rather stay silent than speak up for himself. 

Because today this quiet, sad energy is radiating off of him like crazy as he’s choking on his own words to explain what happened today.

He told his mom how he practiced with him earlier.

“Sometimes I feel alone when I know I’m not. It’s what I feel with my depression.” 

And of course his failure of a fucking father spit those words back at dinner when his mother forgot to go to work today. Apparently it was the last straw because he left for Italy 6 hours ago.

David’s been whispering little things in Matteo’s ear for the past 3 hours. 

He’s determined to make Matteo believes the “Stop acting like that! You aren’t alone, Matteo” isn’t his fault. 

He soothes, “Depression is real, Matteo. Mental health is real. You’re describing symptoms. Real symptoms. What you’re feeling is real, Matteo. You’re valid.”

Matteo’s heavy breathing finally starts to calm down at that last sentence and David feels so good that his panic attack is coming to an end because Matteo doesn’t deserve to feel  _ this _ anxious and depressed for nearly 3 hours.

He looks down to Matteo’s chest rising and falling, slowly it’s getting slower.

Each breath he huffs out sounds like he’s fighting his body for air because it doesn’t want it anymore.

“It hurts.”

David wants to cry. He knows what that means. Everything hurts.

His pounding head, swollen eyelids, bloodshot eyes, mouth wet from tears, sore throat, heavy chest, and trembling legs all fucking hurt and David wants to take away the pain.

He wishes he could feel it instead of him.  And part of him does.  He’s convinced part of his heart feels for Matteo. He thinks it’s called sympathy pain.

“I know, I know it hurts. It’s going to hurt, Matteo.”

He hates he can’t take it all away. But he knows he can help.

“I don’t want it to hurt anymore.”

The pout in his voice nearly breaks David because he sounds like a kid deprived of childhood.

“I promise, it won’t.”

He gasps at the feeling of his legs stopping their movement.

“How long?”

David swallows. He hopes a bit too much when he answers, “It’ll be just us someday, I promise it won’t hurt then.”

“Just us?”

“Mmm,” He nods while stroking his fingers on the bare skin on Matteo’s shoulder where his shirt rode up.

 

~~~~~

 

David vowed to make sure Matteo knew none of those hateful, spiteful, malicious comments weren’t true.

And here he is acting just like them.

Matteo’s head is hung low as he stands from his bed and makes way to the door.

“Matteo— ”

“— I’m going out, forget it.”

Under his breath, David hears a “It hurts” and his heart nearly breaks the same way it did that night. 

His eyes are swelling up with tears and he can’t do anything about it, but fight them back down. He doesn’t get to cry. He hurt Matteo. And Matteo asked for his space so he’s going to give it to him.

David couldn’t fall asleep that night. 

 

* * *

 

It's the next night when Matteo comes over from a last minute planned sleepover and hangout at Jonas,' most likely to avoid him for being a completely deserving, of that treatment, asshole.

“Forget it.”

“Matteo —”

“— I said forget it!” He yells.

It’s one of the few times Matteo’s raising his voice at him. His eyes widen at the realization of this. 

 

Matteo’s yelling at him.

 

After the silence fills their room again, he mutters, “Sorry I...sorry.”

“Matteo…”

“What?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I told you to forget about it.”

“I can’t. You said it hurts.”   


“It does.”

“Did you sleep?”   
  
“I told you to forget it.”

“I was speaking out of anger yesterday and I’m really sorry I— I took things out of hand.”

“Why were you angry last night?”

“Matteo —”

“— No, Dav, you’re not getting it. I was trying to talk to you and you shut me out. Shut me out and said shit. Shit that hurt.”

“I’m sorry.” He just repeatedly apologizing, wanting to take away his wrongs and make Matteo feel less hurt.

“I don’t care if you’re sorry, I care about why you were mad.”

“It’s nothing," David easily dismisses.

“Why do you always do that? What are you keeping from me?”

 

_ I love you. _ “Nothing.”

 

“Was it Sara?”

He swears the guilt that hits his body like a truck could take him out if he let it.

“It was Sara,” Matteo says because he’s able to read him.

“No— ”

“— Please don’t lie to me.” He pleads.

“Okay." David watches him, waiting for a response to  _that_ mess he just made.

Quietly, he asks, “You don’t want Sara over?”

“I…” He can’t believe he actually continues, “No.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” David repeats.

He sighs, “Okay, I won’t bring Sara over. See? Easy, Dav.’ Talk it out.”

“How are you...what? Why?” David asks, not able to perceive how Matteo so quickly came to terms with the bullshit he's spilling.

“She makes you uncomfortable.”

He’s not supposed to do that. Matteo can’t do that.

“No, she…” He fails to explain.

“She, what?”

“I can’t do this,” He begs.

He watches Matteo’s sad face fall even more. 

“Can’t do what? I don’t even know what you’re saying anymore.”

David swallows and reasons, “I can’t let you do that. You can’t drop Sara because she makes me uncomfortable.”

“Why does she make you uncomfortable?”

David can’t answer. He can’t and he’s not going to. He just watches Matteo study his disposition and facial expression. 

“Is it…because she was on my bed?” 

 

The bed David wants to lay on every single night?

 

_ Yes. _ “No.”  _ It is. _

 

“Why...why did that make you uncomfortable?”

He wants to run and not reply, but Matteo’s swollen eyes and pain he can almost feel on himself somehow brings him to whisper, “I didn’t like it.”

“Okay.”

He scoffs, “How are you okay with that?”

“You don’t have to like what I do with girls.”

He raises a brow, “Why?”

“Because I’m gay, David, it’s fine. I didn’t think you’d act this weird when you found out. It was just my bed, but I guess it looked kind of suggestive.”

 

The only part he catches is the “ _ Because I’m gay, David _ .”

 

His head feels like it’s spinning.

“You’re gay?” He forces out.

“Isn’t that what you were upset about?” Matteo asks, confused.   


David’s head is spinning too fast for him to answer.

Matteo continues, “If you think it’s weird or whateve —”

“— No, no...it’s not...you think I’m acting like this because you’re gay?”

“I don’t know, David,” He honestly says.

He thinks his heart is dropping into his stomach at the thought that Matteo could have possibly been anxious to tell him.

“You think...I’m disappointed that you’re gay?”

“Are you?” Matteo asks, energy low, fear behind the question.

His heart is most definitely not where it’s supposed to be.

“Never. I’d never be disappointed in you...especially not about sexuality.”

As Matteo swallows, his eyes clam shut.

“You don’t think it’s weird, then? Us in a dorm together?”

That anger David tries to hold down about Matteo’s family boils back up. His family and their stupid methods slowly gave Matteo internalized homophobia.

“Because I’m pan and you’re gay?”

He nods, not meeting his eyes.

“No…I don’t...were you scared to tell me?”

There’s tears threatening to leave Matteo’s eyes.

“I just…” His voice cracks and tears start to roll down his beautiful face “...I’m sorry.”

He rushes over to Matteo and wraps his arms around him. He hates how Matteo flinches at first. “No, I’m sorry, it’s my fault. I shouldn’t’ve got mad last night over nothing,” He says.

“I’m not mad at you,” He cries and David holds him tighter.

He walks Matteo back into their room and they both sit on his bed. Defeated, Matteo falls back and pulls David with him. His head is in his chest and his arms are still around his torso. He brings his head down to the crook in Matteo’s neck so he knows he’s close.

“I’m sorry Matteo, I didn’t mean to say the same things your parents used to. I’m sorry. You never have to be scared of telling me something, okay?” He says.

He just nods like he’s afraid he’ll cry harder if he answers. 

“I’m sorry,” David keeps repeating because he is so sorry he did this to Matteo.

 

The phrase “ _ Because I’m gay, David” _ is still dancing around his head and it feels so different to know that if Matteo doesn’t like him like that it’s truly because he doesn’t like him like that. 

 

Eventually, Matteo’s breathing slows and at some point the exhaustion hits him and he falls asleep in David’s arms. After an hour of watching every detail on Matteo’s tear stained face, David finds enough peace in himself to fall asleep too.

David doesn’t know what time it is, but the light peeking into their dorm really hits him hard because he’s suddenly acutely aware of the fact that he is still in Matteo’s arms and spent the night on his bed.

He opens an eye to look at what seems to be sunrise so he figures it’s not actually time to wake up considering today is Saturday. 

David feels Matteo start to stir and he snaps his eyes shut. He doesn’t know what to do. Out of all the sleepovers they’ve had over the past years, he’s never actually fallen asleep cuddling. 

It’s been a determining barrier between friendship and relationship to David and crossing this line is making his head spin again.

The most they’ve ever done was hold hands overnight. 

 

~~~

 

It’s been 18 hours since Matteo’s dad threw his shit in a suitcase and took off, last thing he said to Matteo being “Stop acting like that! You aren’t alone, Matteo.”

David was tired enough to fall asleep. He feels drained.

But 12 hours ago when he shut his eyes, his heart twisted in such an ethereal way when he felt Matteo’s hand searching for his under the sheets that he couldn’t find it in himself to fall asleep. 

Like other panic attacks, when sleep would hit them, Matteo would inch away, but tonight it was different. So different.

At first, he just heard the rustling of his sheets. Then, Matteo’s pointer finger running up his forearm, like he was asking for permission until his entire hand was under his. He moved his hand back a bit until Matteo intertwined their hands. 

The last thing he heard before Matteo’s breathing slowed to a sleep was the sheets when he gently squeezed his hand in this reassuring way, as if he was the one who needed the reassuring. David thinks his breath caught in the back of his throat when Matteo did that.

So instead of sleeping, he’s been analyzing what Matteo’s asshole of a dad yelled before leaving everything behind that was supposed to be important to him.

He wonders how his father could bother saying, “Stop acting like that! You aren’t alone, Matteo,” before he quite literally left Matteo to be alone with his unstable mother. He doesn’t get it. 

Everything about that was wrong. 

He feels Matteo start to wake up and he’s glad that the insignificant amount of help he was able to offer prevented him from trying to sleep the week off. 

Matteo yawns and David’s scared to open his eyes.

He’s scared that he’ll open his eyes and it will all have been a dream, or worse. He’s scared he’ll open his eyes and it’ll all have been real and the only result of this will be feeding more into this ridiculous thought he’s been feeding.

_ Fuck. _ Matteo’s turning in his direction.

After serious debate, he opens his eyes.  _ Fuck. _

He watches Matteo raise their held hands with this weak, raw and vulnerable almost invisible smile. And David knows how much he tries to never be those 3 things. 

His chest falls when he stares at Matteo’s lips, teeth chewing at his bottom lip. He shouldn’t be doing that. He shouldn’t be staring at his best friend’s lips the day after his father left him and he’s too upset to probably notice.

“What are you thinking about?” Matteo asks, voice laced with drowsiness.

He drags his eyes upwards to Matteo’s eyes and everything about that was wrong. Matteo’s watching him be selfish.

“Does it still hurt?” He asks, ignoring his question.

Matteo sighs out of sadness and frustration and David can’t read enough to be able to tell if it’s his father and because of him taking advantage or both.

“Yes.”

“I can stay the day and we don’t have to get up,” He offers, hoping he’ll be able to do that without staring at Matteo in a way that’s wrong.

“It hurts less, though,” He says after clearing his throat.

“Hmm?”

Matteo looks back at their intertwined fingers and gives it another squeeze like he did late last night. David’s heart twists the same way as he forces himself to keep his eyes on Matteo’s ocean blue ones and he’s not sure if it’s any better for him to get lost in them.

“You help it hurt less. Progress.”

There it is. The belittling that made Matteo go quiet with as many short responses that he can give.

“Your whole body is probably sore.”

He swallows and brings his other hand up to his face, running it down the dried tears. David’s afraid he’s reliving it because he pointed out the pain.

“I think you have Tylenol in the bathroom,” David says while moving so he can sit up, but he stops when Matteo’s breathing gets heavier and he squeezes his hand.

“But you said we wouldn’t have to get up.”

It’s this childlike way he speaks that’s so endearing and heartbreaking at the same time.

“Okay, we can stay here.”

“Like this?”

David closes his eyes because he knows better than to keep them open with so many temptations.

“Like this,” He repeats through a sigh.

 

~~~

 

“I’m sorry I was acting weird about Sara, I didn’t mean it, I don’t know why I overreacted. And about you being homoroman —”

“— You don’t need to keep apologizing.”

“No, I do. I don’t want you to feel scared. I’m here, no matter what.  _ Always, _ remember?”

“I know.”

“It’s not…my place, but why were you scared to tell me?”

“I didn’t want anything to change between us.”

Ouch.  _ Fuck. _ The way that tugs at David’s heart. Matteo doesn’t want anything to change in their friendship.

“Oh.” Is all he can muster out.

“I mean, not like— uhm— if you’d think of me any differently, not…”

David’s trying to find the hidden truth behind the words not said and he can’t because it would open up the possibility that Matteo’s saying something that he wants to hear. 

 

_ If you were gay then you could like me and you didn’t want me to get hurt, _ he wants to ask. He doesn’t. It would hurt too much.

 

“I’d never think of you differently.”

 

It’s mostly true, but it’s also unfortunately partially a lie because it  _does_ raise the new question: _Did you not want to hurt me because you see boys like I do, but you aren't attracted to me?_

 

He still thinks of Matteo as the best thing to happen in his life…but he can’t help the wonder that fills his body with an overwhelming amount of questions about his feelings.

“Do you like Jonas?” He asks out of nowhere and Matteo’s brows knit together in confusion.

“What?”

“Do you— ”

“— No, of course not. Why would you think that?” Matteo, almost defensively, asks while sitting up.

David moves over, hoping his face isn’t getting red. “I mean you two are close…”

“Not nearly as close as we are. Do you think I like Jonas?!” He asks incredulously with panic evident. _Panic about what?!_   


“I was just curious…”

The two eat dinner in relative silence, one or the other occasionally bringing something up that they fail to make a response to.

 

* * *

 

David sneaks out of the dorm before Matteo wakes, to let him sleep in, to go visit Laura before his classes.

“Laura,” David smiles fondly while she opens the door.

“David, as excited as I am to see you, I can see right through your facade.” She sighs, leading him into her living area.

David nods, “Ah, yes. Matteo did too.”

“You and Matteo,  _ God. _ If you bring him around me one more time, I will confess your feelings for you. That is, after lecturing the both of you on obliviousness!” 

“I actually came to talk to you about that.”

She quirks a brow, “Oh my god, what?”

David’s cheeks heat up and he shoots her down, “Stop being an ass.”

Laura giggles, “No, I mean— for real? I didn’t think you’d want to.”

He sits down on the couch, across from her favorite chair. “Yes.”

“Well, how can I help you?”

“It’s like…poor timing, finals being in less than 2 weeks and we just got in a fight a couple nights ago.”

“You guys got in a fight? That’s like…unheard of.”

“I was acting weird…he had Sara over and I don’t know, I snapped. I just— ” He sighs,  “I don’t even know how to tell him. It’s been so long.”

“Ask him to the movies or to coffee…or something.”

“He hates coffee…and I can’t. We do that all the time and we’ve never clarified what it means.”

“Then ask, as a date. ‘Hey ‘Teo, let’s go on a date to the movies.’” She suggests, but David laughs.

“Is that what you think I sound like? Rude!” 

Laura rolls her eyes. “That’s not what’s important.”

“But he means more than a date. It’s not like a  _ we should try this _ because it’s weird to introduce the idea of dating without having considered more than just a date. You know? I don’t know. I don’t know what to do here.”

She nods. “I know, I’m honestly surprised. Matteo brought up parts of you that I never knew before. All that…tactile shit. You aren’t like that with all your friends. I mean, you hug Leonie and Sara, but that’s like a goodbye or hello.”

David looks at the floor. He doesn’t usually voluntarily listen to or even acknowledge his feelings. 

“And you get quiet. You’re not loud, but you’re not quiet. It’s like, there are so many unsaid things. And for the most part, you two can pick up on it. You guys read each other, so impressively well that you don’t even need to talk.”

“That’s why it’s hard. You don’t think he can read the…main  _ thing _ ? He can’t tell?”

Laura moves her head to both sides, seemingly weighing her options.

“You…” She recollects her thoughts and redirects the question to him. “ _ …You _ can’t tell? You’ve pushed Matteo a lot to motivate him and that’s awesome, but you aren’t initiating shit as much as you usually do.”

David tilts his head, “Like what?”

“I was very surprised the first time you introduced him to me, as your friend. With the amount you talk about him, I thought it went without being said he was your boyfriend, until  _ that _ .”

David groans. He knows. Laura gave him  _ the look _ and even Matteo questioned it after, so sweetly and entirely obviously.

“I am surprised you didn’t ask him out. You started a friendship which is great, but I thought in the beginning you’d be upfront about your feelings. I think you were in denial, maybe?”

“Oh god,” David says and Laura smiles. 

“You’re certainly in denial now, but you’re coming around…May I ask why?”

David groans and her smile widens because she caught him.

“We like…Laura please don’t make me.” She makes a pouty face and David feels like making a snarky response about her supposedly being the more mature sibling.

“We made up and fell asleep together. Laura, don’t—” But he doesn’t even finish his plead before she’s squealing in excitement that David wants to stop…but secretly likes. 

“Feelings for Matteo, huh? He’s such a great kid, I can see why.” Linn says while entering the room, Laura looking back and smiling at her. 

David feels like doing anything now, but smiling. He did  _ not  _ realize Linn was here and as much as he trusts her, he also just poured out his heart and soul to someone who used to live with him.

 

* * *

 

“I missed you today, where were you when I woke up?” Matteo hums when David walks in after his last class.

Without thinking, he answers, “Uh, Laura’s.”

“Oh, is everything alright?” Matteo asks, concern immediately filling his eyes.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

“I don’t mean to...it’s just usually when you go to Laura’s you’re looking for advice or need help for something.”

 

“Oh.”  _Shit._

 

“Sorry, it’s not my— ”

“— I’ve just been feeling more anxious lately. I just needed her to call my bullshit.”

Matteo chuckles, “Did it work?”

“Uh...for the most part, I think.”

“Hey, did you talk to Jonas recently?”

“No, why?” David asks, trying not to sound panicked because he did cause a lot of awkwardness between them the other night regarding Jonas.

“Nothing I just...nothing.”

“Should I be concerned by that?” David asks, slight tease in his voice.

“Concerned by what?”

He points out, “You cutting yourself off.”

“No…I— no. I’m okay. I just— I don’t know. Jonas was being weird and after…it’s nothing. Never mind.”

 

“Oh.” That certainly didn't seem like  _nothing._

 

“Uh, but anyways…the gang’s thinking about having a movie night on Friday— right before the kick off of studying our asses off for finals. Are you up for it?”

David scratches his neck, wondering why the two of them keep blowing things off and changing topics without actually addressing the hidden meanings behind what they’re saying. “Sure.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment if you want a chapter 3 and are excited. Tehe :) More coming soon. Comment any requests/predictions too!


	3. Soft Sadness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really needed my boys to cut it out with the fighting and go back to being soft bois so here's that. Enjoy!

Matteo’s been seemingly more exhausted and mute this week and David feels like he got hit with a ton of bricks because he truly believes the culprit is their little fight last week.

He’s been distancing himself and as many steps as David strides forward, he also goes back because he is  _ trying  _ to respect his original request of space.  _ Trying _ , being the keyword. David’s not really good at not being around Matteo.

It’s always been  _ David and Matteo _ or  _ Matteo and David _ . The two come in a pair, not separate and they’ve been like that since high school. It’s how everyone recognizes them at school or parties. 

 

_ “Oh you’re Matteo’s friend, right?” _ and David’s heard the question being reversed to Matteo. 

 

So it’s really going against every fiber in his bones to  _ not  _ smother Matteo in attention. 

And he knows Matteo’s not mad at him, but he made it  _ too _ awkward with Sara and Jonas. He feels awkward and that’s not typically something he feels. He’s  _ Mr. Smooth _   as Matteo occasionally calls him, before following that up with something snarky.

And he still has some underlying disappointment in himself that keeps him away.

They’re both laying in their beds David— with a laptop and earbuds while editing a project for film— and Matteo— with his laptop and calculator while typing up some lab report.

“This makes no fucking sense, ugh,” Matteo groans and it catches David off guard because he’s been working on it for the past three hours without a single sound escaping his lips.

David wishes he knew something more than the 1 year he was required to take, to better help him, but he barely left the class with an 80%. “Do you— ”

“— No, I just need  _ Excel _ to fucking work and average the numbers so I don’t need to keep calculating them. This is ridiculous and my partner hasn’t done shit so I have to do it by myself.”

“Sorry,” David apologizes, realizing the frustration he’s caused.

Matteo’s quick to assure him not everything is his fault. “No I— God, I’m sorry. I just— I hate that we’re not talking and I can’t focus when we’re not…I don’t know, does that make any sense?”

David smiles a bit and tries to ignore the way Matteo’s face gets more red, as he watches him. He takes out one of his earbuds and says, “Yeah, it’s been throwing me off too. What time is your lab due?”

Matteo sighs. “30 minutes. I have the analysis and everything else done, though. I just need this final graph that my partner was supposed to do.”

Before David puts back in his earbud, he asks, “Wanna go out after? We can go look at Christmas lights or hang out with the boys.” 

Matteo smiles. “As much as I want to, I think I’m going to pass out in like 45 minutes. Maybe…Thursday?”

David’s stomach twists inside and out. It’s not even a date, but still. He wants to be alert and present, and most of all enjoy being with him. 

“Okay, good luck on your lab.”

Matteo giggles, “Thanks.”  

 

* * *

 

“I’ve always loved Christmas lights,” Matteo quietly says while the two walk down the streets.

David’s eyes are glued on the large Christmas tree that’s at the end of the street. 

“It’s the only thing my parents wouldn’t fight about and we’d do as a family,” He mumbles and David immediately fixes his gaze back to Matteo. He looks both happy and solemn.

There’s too many memories attached.

 

~~~~~~

 

Matteo’s crying and David’s on the verge of tears himself. He can’t describe the amount of pain he’s convinced he feels for Matteo. He just wishes Matteo would actually be relieved of that miniscule amount he feels.

His seasonal depression is kicking in and this year his Mom is too sick to put up lights and with his Dad gone, he feels absolutely hopeless. Usually, with light therapy, the bright green and red lights would bring a smile to his face, but it’s 10 days before the holidays and his house is bare.

“I just want to be happy and not a fucking burden, you can’t keep walking me through these episodes David— it’s too much,” He says in between his sobs. “I just feel like I’m not  _ giving  _ you enough to have to  _ watch _ me.”

 

_ But it’s so much more than that. _

 

“You’ve given me everything,” David soothingly says.

Matteo’s shaking and it breaks David’s heart. “It doesn’t feel that way,” He croaks out.

“I  _ need  _ you to understand that if you give me  _ any  _ more of yourself, that you won’t have any for yourself. I’ll  _ always  _ be here _. _ ”

“Mmm,” Matteo hums, the crying finally coming to an end.

When Matteo speaks it’s soft and exposed and Matteo hates being exposed. “I’m just a kid with depression. I’ve made you miserable by me not moving and barely eating for weeks. I’m not…”

His hand slides out of David’s while he continues. “I’m not good for you, Dav.’ I’m not a good enough friend for you.”

David reaches his hand out and clasps it onto Matteo’s not letting him detach himself from him.

“That’s not true, ‘Te. I look forward to seeing you every day at school and on the weekends. You are what I look forward to every day, don’t sell yourself short.”

There’s this sad smile of disbelief. “Really?” He asks. 

David hates Matteo’s parents. How could they not…nurture him with anything, but love.

“Yes. Do you want to go see Christmas lights tonight?”

Matteo smiles a bit and it makes David’s night.  

 

~~~~~~

 

“How’s your seasonal depression?” David asks. 

“It’s hard. I’m sad and I want to be happy, but I can’t do anything about it. And I can’t fall back into being a mess. So here I am, forcing myself to…feel.” Matteo stares at the lights wrapped around all of the buildings.

“How come you haven’t been telling me when it’s been hard?”

Matteo sighs. “Because I don’t want to be a fucking mess. I don’t  _ just _ want to be a kid with depression.”

“You aren’t.” He assures him.

“Why do you…see me so differently than everyone else?” David’s lips purse, memories swiping through the back of his head.

 

~~~~~~

 

“Why do you see me so differently than everyone else?” David asks and it’s the first thing he’s said since Matteo came over, 2 hours ago.

He doesn’t understand his own inability to talk about his past or why he called Matteo and told him to come over tonight.  _ Something _ is wrong.

Matteo looks over at him, raising a brow. He places his phone down and sits up from his bed that David’s been sitting at the corner at the entire time. “What do you mean? What’s wrong?”

“I…I can’t see myself the way you do, sometimes,” David quietly rambles, feeling trembly, while Matteo’s brows knit together with confusion.

“How do I see you?”

David looks up to his ceiling and lets out a shaky breath. He’s about to talk about something he’s tried to shove and lock away. Transitioning. “Sometimes I look in the mirror and hate my body,” He admits, feeling faint.

Matteo inches closer until David feels his chest grazing his back. He looks back when he feels Matteo rest his head in the crook of his shoulder. 

Softly, he asks, “Did you talk to your therapist about body dysphoria?”

“She said it was normal.” He dismisses.

“Okay, is there anything I can do to help you?”

David sighs. He doesn’t know why he brought it up, he feels stu—

“When I look at you, I see…you. Not, any _ one _ or any _ thing _ else. You are a confident arrogant asshole sometimes, but it’s because you know what the fuck you’re doing. You’re  _ Mr. Smooth _ and I hate that, but I also love it.”

David smiles a hit and lets out a huff of relief, instantly feeling some weight taken off his shoulders— not that he doesn’t like Matteo on his shoulders, he likes that weight…and warmness. 

He can feel the upwards curve of Matteo’s lip brush against his collarbone, from his shirt pulling down slightly.

“I don’t know if…this will gross you out or whatever…” He states, like it’s an open ended and Matteo can opt out, but Matteo further tucks himself into him.

“It’s…ugh, the stupid testosterone. It usually entirely suppresses my bleeding, but I’m still relatively new to it it slipped and now I have my stupid period and I feel…disgusting. Literally and figuratively. I just don’t want to feel so…stuck.”

Surely enough, within moments, Matteo’s arms are wrapping around him and he lets out a trembling breath, not even realizing how choked up he got.

They sit for a little bit, not saying anything, but Matteo eventually speaks up with a voice so soft he sounds like… _ dreamy. _

“It’s normal what you’re going through David. Sometimes— I think— it takes a while to stop. It depends on the person and  _ it’s okay _ to not feel like yourself, but right now…the only thing we can control is how we react to everything going on.”

David starts crying and he doesn’t even know where it came from. 

He’s just had all these thoughts and emotions sealed up, only being shared with doctors, and for Matteo to have such a genuine and thoughtful  _ and  _ kind response to it all…it makes him wonder if this is what he actually gets for having it so rough.

 

Matteo— is his fucking heaven on Earth, if there’s such a thing.

 

“I’m sorry you had to get your period, that’s shit and probably feels like a step back, but you’re getting there and you’ll  _ always _ have me. You can rant to me all you want and I won’t tell anyone anything. Just between us.”

David, feeling exhausted, drops his head to lean on Matteo. “Thank you,” He whispers while going to hold his arms that are wrapped around him.

 

~~~~~~

 

David clears his throat and looks into Matteo’s pretty blue eyes. The same pretty blue eyes that comforted him when he was struggling with something somewhat similar.

“Because you do the same for me and you are so much more than your mental illness. We’ve been friends for— God knows how many years now. You’re my best friend, Matteo.  _ My ride or die _ .” 

Yes, he said the “ride or die” shit in an extremely over exaggerated tone, knowing it would earn him Matteo slamming into his shoulder with an overly offended “Hey!”

“Do you maybe wanna hang lights up in our dorm or something? It doesn’t have to be before Christmas, if you’re not up for it, but for…sensory light therapy shit?”

Matteo smiles and lets out this adorable awkward laugh. “I’d like that.”

Then his eyes become fixated on a building that has way too many blow up decorations and he practically drags David while he complains, the entire time— pretending he doesn't love it.

 

* * *

 

“Alright losers,” Jonas snickers before continuing, “Let’s  _ Hallmark _ this shit up.” 

There are multiple audible groans, probably from Carlos and Abdi who are Christmas movie haters. Jonas ignores them and grabs the remote to turn on “Double Holiday.”

Of course, it’s as cliche and heteronormative as ever, but that doesn’t make it any less endearing. 

David watches Jonas and Hanna and Carlos and Kiki snuggle up and laughs with Matteo when Carlos falls asleep 10 minutes into it. Amira shoots him a threatening glance, which he assumes is because she’s upset Mohammed couldn’t make it, but Matteo starts giggling too.

Eventually, his heart skips a beat— as expected— when he feels Matteo’s hand grazing his lower thigh before he rests it  _ comfortably  _ on his knee. “Dude, the dinosaur cookies. We  _ have _ to make those,” Matteo perks up and David laughs, trying to normalize the situation.  _ It’s normal. _

About an hour into it, David loses his concentration on the TV. Matteo’s fiddling with the fabric of his sweatpants, thumb loosely caressing his knee and he  _ cannot— _ for the life of him— explain how something so  _ normal  _ can send him into this over analytical mess.  

In an attempt to calm the tingling sensation that’s unfortunately occurring, now, all over his legs, he places his hand on his thigh. It doesn’t work, Matteo only slowly inches his hand over before interlacing their fingers.  _ Fuck _ .

He tries to act casual and fails. When he glances to Jonas, he gives him a look that he can’t decipher. It’s suggestive and reminds him of his sister, and he hates that. 

When Matteo looks up, he must receive the same look because he goes to sit more straight and it makes David feel a bit weird, since he still recalls accusing Matteo of liking Jonas.  _ Oh god _ , he almost forgot he did that.

Later, when David and Matteo are on their way out, Jonas gives him another glance and David rethinks a lot of things and comes to the conclusion that he should probably talk to Jonas, next week or so.

 

He falls asleep easily, knowing that Matteo’s feeling better and actually isn’t holding any resentment against him. He actually, stupidly he knows, but he falls asleep hyper aware of the fact Matteo held his knee and then hand for 2 hours tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, as per usual, comment below! Make suggestions/predictions/just talk to me, I don't care lol. Just lemme know if you're here and want more :) Also, can we just note how we just got insight into a memory that's about David?! He's opening up more (to things he's very private about), after talking to Laura and becoming more accepting of his feelings, how wonderful! Side note, I just made myself laugh. I was drafting in my head and was like “Oh, maybe I’ll make this one shorter, like 8,000 words.” I already passed that last chapter. Real funny one, Lucia


	4. Heavenly Torture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Not to break bro-code or whatever the fuck it’s called, but I know you asked Matteo if he likes me…” He leaves it like it’s an open-ended, that David would want to respond to. 
> 
> David bites on his lower lip out of embarrassment, red flushing his face surely. “Mmm, I did.” He pauses, “And regret that.” 
> 
> Jonas props his elbow on one of his crossed legs. He glances around, as if to check if Carlos and Abdi are home, and it makes David want to hang up, regardless of how much he likes Jonas. 
> 
> “I mean,” Jonas clears his throat “Is that who you think he likes?”
> 
> David hopes he won’t still be short circuiting with this whole Matteo liking some boy and David really liking Matteo situation when he gets home. And especially, he hopes by midterms because they’re in 2 days and if he can’t get his shit together by then, he’s going to be fucked.
> 
> Because he really is just…getting worse at being able to conceal his biggest secret from his best friend. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so for some reason this was really challenging to write, well I guess because of the tension I had to amplify, a freaking lot. But I think there may be 8 chapters, or 7, total so we're really reaching for that climax guys lol, though I admit there's more to be added that will have you guys going insane! Enjoy :)

David twirls his pencil around his fingers while his hand hovers over the blank page of his sketchbook. He _wants_ to draw, but the only idea coming to mind is Matteo. He lets out an exasperated sigh.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to draw Matteo, but it’s to the point where he’s become borderline obsessed with, each time, further mastering the subtle features on his face that hide behind the hair that falls over his forehead. 

It feels too much like a guilty pleasure because he can’t tell anyone else about without being _extremely_ exposed. It took him three weeks just to make his first “successful” sketch of his eyes. 

The way he’s drawn Matteo looking at him, with piercing eyes, gives him goosebumps because he reads too much into it.

He’s pretty sure he has a whole sketchbook somewhere that he started in high school that is _solely_ Matteo or _interpretations_ of Matteo or _memories_ of Matteo, or _anything_ relating to Matteo. And by pretty sure he knows it's hidden in his lower desk drawer.

David wonders what Matteo would think if he showed it to him one day. If that would give it all away. He _wants_ to know what Matteo would say. If he’d like them…or hate them. 

But he’s all too quickly drawn out of his revere when his ringer goes off. He quirks a surprised brow when he recognizes the contact name. **Jonas Augustin would like to** **_FaceTime_ ** . Jonas has only _FaceTimed_ him twice, probably, in the past 5 years.

He places his pencil down, aligning it besides his notebook, before grabbing his phone and accepting the call.

“Hey,” David greets Jonas as their _FaceTime_ call connects.

Jonas curtly nods, then asks, “Matteo at his afternoon class?”

David balances his phone on his desk light while inquiring, “Yeah, why? Everything good?”

“Yeah, I just wanted to talk…the two of us for once,” He chuckles, “Usually I’m tagging or you’re tagging along with Matteo.”

David would deny it, if he had any place to, but he doesn't. He doesn’t go anywhere without Matteo and he knows Jonas is his other best friend, and despite popular belief, he does try to give Matteo some space. Some…infinitesimal space. 

He forces out a small smile before smirking and adding, “Believe it or not, I am capable of doing things on my own.”

Jonas laughs, “God, I know. You’re one of the most driven people in our group, with Amira…You just choose not to do things alone when you’re with Matteo, which I get. He’s cool.”

David nods. He predicts the conversation is going to lead to Matteo…and his abundance of feelings for him.

“Not to break bro-code or whatever the fuck it’s called, but I know you asked Matteo if he likes me…” He leaves it like it’s an open-ended, that David would want to respond to. 

David bites on his lower lip out of embarrassment, red flushing his face surely. “Mmm, I did.” He pauses, “And regret that.” 

Jonas props his elbow on one of his crossed legs. He glances around, as if to check if Carlos and Abdi are home, and it makes David want to hang up, regardless of how much he likes Jonas. 

“I mean,” Jonas clears his throat “Is that who you think he likes?” Does that mean Jonas already knew about Matteo's sexuality? Does that mean Matteo told Jonas before he told David about being a homoromantic asexual? Is David really the last to know?

David blinks a couple times as the question registers and sits in his head. Did Jonas just basically say _Matteo likes someone. Oh god._ It has to mean that Matteo likes someone. 

As panic runs through David’s mind, he accepts that he knew at some point Matteo was going to find someone, presumably the one, that’d he would _crush_ on, but it feels different knowing it happened under his nose, without his knowledge. But, it feels like he’s being _crushed._

“What?” David asks and his voice, noticeably, cracks at that.

Jonas scoffs a bit and David obsessive little bubble is popped as he recognizes that Jonas and Matteo have a close relationship, despite him joining along numerous times. 

There are likely just as many things he doesn’t know about Matteo that Jonas knows, as things Jonas doesn’t know that he knows.

He can’t stop his head from running in circles. _That means Matteo likes someone. Jonas knows Matteo likes someone_ and David doesn’t. 

“You’re just as oblivious as him, I think Matteo’s had too much of an influence on you,” Jonas lightheartedly complains and David huffs out a laugh, with great struggle.

They start talking for about 15 minutes, David ignoring Jonas’ apparently precise depiction of their _more than friends_ friendship. 

He has never heard Jonas so clearly express something he’s passionate about, quite like this. It seems that he’s giving a lecture about getting his shit together. He doesn’t like that. He has Laura for that, and apparently Leonie, _not_ Jonas.

Why is Jonas acting like all David has to do is magically make Matteo feel the same?

The door knob starts rustling and Jonas looks at David in confusion, while he looks at his opening bedroom door.. Matteo walks in, complaining, “Bruh, sociology was— ” And then he cuts himself off when he notices Jonas. 

He immediately quirks his brows together, a nervous giggle escaping his lips. “Oh my god, do you two secretly _FaceTime_ when I’m not home to plot against me?” He asks, feigning offense.

David rolls his eyes at him, a faint smile on his face. “You are so dramatic.”

“I get it from living with Hans during high school, honestly,” He reasons and David tries not to laugh, but fails.

“So are you guys actually hanging out without me?” He asks and David can’t tell if Matteo’s (jokingly) concerned or actually feeling left out. He wants to be quick to assure him, but he knows Jonas is watching his interaction and it makes him feel slightly more awkward than usual. 

“Matteo, why are you here if your class started 15 minutes ago?” Jonas asks, perking up.

“It was cancelled 5 minutes into class, which was annoying, but whatever. I’ll be leaving momentarily because Leonie and Sara are dragging me to the mall in a half hour.”

David tilts his head, a faint smile on his face. “Oh?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m popular. We’re gonna go gossip about you, for sure. Not you though, Jonas. Gays only event, sorry,” He says while walking behind David’s chair. 

When Matteo leans his hand on the back of the chair, his hand grazes over his shoulder and David’s brain does this thing he can only describe as malfunction. He literally loses his train of thought in just seconds under Matteo’s soft touch. 

Fortunately, he doesn’t really need to speak…he thinks. And even more fortunately, he’s not out of it long enough for either of the boys to notice.

They watch Jonas looks at the top of the screen before a faint smile ghosts his lips. “That’s fine, I guess I know where I stand. Anyways, Hanna just said she’s on her way to my place, so I’m gonna have to go.” And to be as obnoxious as possible, both boys start mocking him until Jonas hangs up on them.

It’s suddenly a lot more quiet and David is even more acutely aware of his and Matteo’s space coinciding right now. He ignores it and stretches his arm out to move his phone on the other side of his desk, as to not distract him more than he’s already been distracted.

“So, the mall with Leonie and Sara?” David asks, afraid to look back because Matteo’s still standing awfully close to him.

“Yeah, you were drawing?” He asks, fingers swiping the length of the thick paper. 

“Trying, I couldn’t think of anything and then Jonas called so…

“Hmm,”  Matteo hums, all too close to his head. 

 

“Have you ever drawn us?” He asks and David’s shoulders get tense as he turns around to meet Matteo’s face, and is predictably surprised by the foot’s length between them. His heart practically leaps out of his chest as he tries to match the sudden intensity in Matteo's eyes. He angles his head slightly.

 

~~~~~~

 

“Have you ever drawn me?” Matteo asks, brow raised, while leaning forward on the picnic table to be closer to him, like it’s a challenge. Like the closer he gets, he knows he’s making David weaker. _That bitch_. The roles feel reversed with Matteo strikingly becomes the cocky one, of the two.

He looks up to meet Matteo’s gaze and confirms that this must be one of _those_ challenges they’ve been having lately, based on the strength of his eyes on his.

David shakes his head slightly, trying to free himself from the tension that’s lacing the air between them. He’s sitting across from Matteo, sketchbook on display, at the park. He watches Matteo with a matching coy smirk tugging at the corner of his lips, after he’s able to recover from their proximity.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” David retorts back, brow arching in a wake to parrot Matteo.

“Why, don't you think it's time to reveal the millions of drawings you probably have of me?” 

David giggles, chewing on his lip. _If he only knew._ “Shut up.”

Matteo grins, “Fine, then. Show me something to shut me up.” Their eyes are still locked like magnets.

David closes his sketchbook, only to stir Matteo up. There’s nothing he’s drawn in this one of Matteo. He tries to keep that one personal. “Greedy.”

Matteo huffs out a giggle. “What?”

“You heard me. I think you are demanding and greedy and— ” 

Matteo manages to inch forward slightly. He cuts him off, interjecting, “— And you love it you dumbass, just tell me if you’ve drawn me.

David shakes his head, leaning forward like it’s a challenge. “It’s personal, none of _your_ business.”

Matteo swipes a hand through his hair and David blinks, fumbling in his usual ease that he has with him, now that he can clearly see both blue eyes piercing at him. His smile dies down and Matteo reacts quickly, moving back to his normal position on the table. 

“Okay, sorry. Do you want to test my amazing art skills?” Matteo asks, eyes darting down to the table and David is shocked at how clearly Matteo saw right through him. He sensed his hesitation and stopped. Everything. 

 

 _Oh,_ but it was kinda dreamy having Matteo that close. 

 

“Okay,” David quietly says, letting their unsaid words burn. He swallows down everything he wants to say. But he still wonders if it’s even _slightly_ possible that _maybe_ Matteo’s advances forward were in _some_ way romantically inclined and if it’s because he thought David didn’t want it.

But he has to quickly dismiss his questions because the moments already passed and it passed so quickly, there’s practically no reason to go back and dwindle on the past. _It’s impractical_.

Matteo grabs his pencil and starts drawing, rough sketches scattering across the pages as the two laugh.

 

~~~~~~

 

“Our…group. Us?” He clarifies, whispering and as the words sink though his skin his cheeks redden. The closeness between Matteo’s words and Davids skin only deprives him of air, making him more out of breath than usual. It feels like _this_ has happened before. 

“Amira…” Matteo bites on his lip and David’s gaze falls downwards, though he picks it back up quickly. “Jonas… _any_ of us?” 

He’s _barely_ been able to process finding out Matteo likes someone, let alone processing the moment that they’re having right now. David doesn’t understand _why_ it sounds like Matteo’s curious if he’s ever specifically drawn him.

David doesn’t want Matteo to see his work anymore. It’s making his whole body stiffen as he sits straight. “Yeah.” He’s never admitted to that before.

“Dav,’” Matteo whispers, diffidently, and his gaze drops to his lips and David is now 100% certain he’s missed something because there’s no way Matteo’s looking at his lips like _that_. Like the way he’s drawn it.

He breaths out, “Te.”

“David…” Matteo’s voice is timid when he repeats his name.

David makes the mistake of looking down, gaze falling on his lips before he corrects himself and looks into his ocean blue eyes, that make him just as speechless.

“Yeah?” He asks shyly, knowing Matteo saw him stare at his lips. He’s just standing so close, David didn’t realize.

 

_Don’t do that._

 

He sighs, “Nothing, never mind,” while moving back. David takes a big breath, for the lack of air in his system for what seemed like the longest minute. _Wait._ Did he say that out loud

David reaches for his shoulder, “What?”  _Did I?_

“Uh…” It sucks that Matteo’s acting like he’s lost his concentration. It sucks that it tugs at his heart in a way that makes David nauseous. It sucks that he’s probably imagined this whole thing and he’ll probably be waking up from a dream soon.

 

Matteo’s ringer goes off and he grabs his phone from his pocket and flips it over, it’s a call from Leonie. _Great_.

“I should probably…respond,” He says, like David can refute it and just say _No you don’t_ and maybe he wouldn’t answer. He’s going to hell for imagining all this, if being pan wasn’t enough. 

He clears his throat and determines that Matteo’s waiting for him to clarify _their_ plan. He stands up, “Yeah, I leave you to do that. I have to…work on drawing, anyways.”

Matteo looks disappointed, but nods and leaves their room, to the living area. When their door clicks shut, David’s eyes widen and he lets out a sigh. _Oh god._ “Oh god,” He mutters. He hasn’t found himself flustered like that in a while and he isn't fond of the feeling. He runs a hand through his hair and groans in embarrassment when he feels that his hands are shaking.

“Oh my god, I can’t do this. Oh my god.” He closes his eyes. He _can’t_ just run away and leave Matteo. He just…needs to take a breather because he’s overheating. 

David can’t even draw like this. This is bad. Awful, even.

He stares at his blank paper, not letting himself think about anything besides the blank paper. Nothing. He isn’t allowed to be awkward with his best friend.

In little to no time, Matteo walks in, with sad confused face and it crushes David, but he’s not allowed to talk about it. Matteo stands in the doorway.

“Were you and Jonas… _talking_ about me?” He emphasizes the word talking as if there could ever be anything negative either one of them would have to say about him. And as relieved as David should feel about Matteo redirecting the conversation, their lives are so intertwined that there’s nearly nothing that won’t in _some_ way relate to the both of them.

“A little bit, you’re our best friend.”

“Did he tell you…I dunno.” He retreats. David doesn’t know how Matteo could possibly feel nervous to ask him any—

 

 _“I mean, is that who you think he likes?” Oh god._ This shouldn’t be happening.

 

David asks, “Tell me, what?”

“I mean, that could mean so many things. What were you guys talking about?” David knows his words are sugar coated with his real question. The only thing that doesn’t make sense is it sounds a lot like he’s asking _Did he tell you?_

 

_“I mean, is that who you think he likes?”_

 

David licks his lips and stares at Matteo’s beautiful crystal blue eyes and feels ethereal. Matteo is so fucking beautiful. “He told me he knew I accused you of liking him.”

Matteo slowly nods, some relief filling his face.

“Which, I know you don’t. I don’t know _why_ I said that. I mean I guess,” He sighs out of frustration, “Because you’re allowed to be attracted to whoever, you _can_ pick up on looks and you know…”

He lets the unspoken words float around his head. _You’re gay, you could have attraction to me. You could like me. It’d be okay. But you don’t want to hurt me, so you never came out. Or it’s because I scared you away._

“Oh…okay.” 

 

 _Fuck._ Matteo’s locking down too. 

 

Matteo blinking a couple times and David looks down in the direction of the sound of Matteo grabbing the door handle, as if he were trying to balance some of his weight onto it. 

They stand there, only a meter apart, staring at each other, trying to read what they’re both hiding. _Could it be me? Can it be me? God, can it be me?_

 

Matteo shrugs, and coughs. “Uh, Leonie and Sara are here…I wanted to say bye.” 

“Oh,” David says, bringing the phone down. “That call with Leonie was really quick,” He notes.

“Ah, yeah. I told him I was busy with you.” _Fuck._ It sounds so natural and cute. He shouldn’t have let Leonie go on and gush about him because he feels incredibly flustered now. “But, uh— anyways, they’re here. I need to go. I just wanted to say goodbye.”

David’s about to burst with bubbling questions about _Matteo and boys_ and _Matteo and David_ , but he stops himself.

But, is he the last to know Matteo’s gay? If they supposedly know everything about each other, how the fuck did David not know Matteo’s gay?

David is not going to lie. He is also terrified of what actually is going to happen when Matteo goes out with the girls. He trusts Matteo with his whole lovestruck, stupid heart, but he never put it past Leonie to not mention him.

 

After Matteo leaves, David settles his endless thoughts by drawing Matteo in his sketchbook he’s had since high school. He doesn’t even mention it to himself that he drew that moment when he was just standing that close, uttering his nicknames that only he calls him

David hopes he won’t still be short circuiting with this whole _Matteo liking some boy_ and _David really liking Matteo_ situation when he gets home. And especially, he hopes by midterms because they’re in 2 days and if he can’t get his shit together by then, he’s going to be fucked.

 

Because he really is just…getting worse at being able to conceal his biggest secret from his best friend. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! If you've made it, I appreciate you dearly. What would make you even more special would be to comment thoughts, emotions, predictions, or even requests :) Sincerely, I enjoyed writing this (I have just been consumed by 2 other projects that will be out eventually). Thank you again for reading!


	5. Midterm Mayhem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo’s phone rings and David thinks nothing of it, at first. That is until Matteo’s body freezes and David watches his shoulder get tense.
> 
> He moves his head from Matteo’s shoulder and asks,“What is it? Who is— ” He cuts himself off when he sees the dread radiating off Matteo.
> 
> “39,” He says and David’s brows furrow. 
> 
> “39 that’s…isn’t that the country code for Italy?”
> 
> “Uh, yeah?” David says, tilting his head in front of Matteo’s shoulder to see his phone that he’s holding. “Yeah, it says Italy.” Matteo swallows and David’s realizing Matteo’s been so concentrated that he didn’t even look at the stated location.
> 
> It all trickles through David’s head until he comes to the same realization and guess as him.  “Is— Matteo is that…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's even more emotional than the last oops.

Matteo lets out an exaggerated sigh, laying his head on top of his stack of books. “David, my brain hurts.”

David giggles. “Well then, you know you did something right. Thank God we’re done for tonight. After tomorrow, we’ll only have one more test. It can’t be that unbearable,” He logically reasons.

Matteo groans and slowly raises his head to turn around to David, at his desk. He should have known any logic was useless after studying because Matteo doesn’t seem to care.

“I can’t believe it’s already 23:00, we’ve been studying for almost twelve hours,” Matteo complains and David watches him, clearly entertained after the intense study session they had.

“Can we make a pizza or something? I don’t think I’ve eaten since breakfast, and I might die if we don’t.”

David fondly laughs. “Pizza? I get it you’re Italian, but I want real food so I don’t feel hungry later.”

Matteo stands from his desk and walks over to his bed before prompt collapsing in it. “Fine, whatever you want, but please get it before I fall asleep or I may cry.”

David rolls his eyes at him, reluctantly agreeing that he’ll make one, much to Matteo’s excitement. When the pizza finishes, David is quick to convince Matteo to come out and watch TV with him while they eat. 

 

And right around the time they finish, Matteo’s phone rings and David thinks nothing of it, at first.

That is until Matteo’s body freezes and David watches his shoulder get tense.

He moves his head from Matteo’s shoulder and asks,“What is it? Who is— ” He cuts himself off when he sees the dread radiating off Matteo. He waits for him to speak, whenever he feels comfortable.

“39,” He says and David’s brows furrow. 

“What’s 39?” David inquires.

“39 that’s…isn’t that the country code for Italy?”

“Uh, yeah?” David says, tilting his head in front of Matteo’s shoulder to see his phone that he’s holding. “Yeah, it says Italy.” Matteo swallows and David’s realizing Matteo’s been so concentrated that he didn’t even look at the stated location.

The tenseness, the seriousness…it all trickles through David’s head until he comes to the same realization and guess as him.  “Is— Matteo is that…”

“Do you think it is?” Matteo asks, voice wavering. 

“I don’t know…maybe,” David debates.  _ Fuck _ . It technically could be.

He closely watches Matteo’s fidgety thumb swipe to accept the call. 

“Hello?” David hears him ask in Italian.

With David’s basic understanding of common Italian phrases, he picks up on “Hi, is this Matteo Florenzi? It’s Alex Florenzi.” When he translates it, belatedly, his face drops to match Matteo’s fallen face.

 

_ Fuck _ . Why?

 

“Dad?” Matteo weakly says, eyes staring at the phone so hard David swears he could burn holes through it. David immediately extends on of his hands over to Matteo’s free hand, firmly going to hold the back of Matteo’s hand. 

Although David can’t exactly translate what’s being said, he has a general consensus of what’s going on. Matteo asks how he found his number and his dad dodges it, asking about school instead. And fuck.  _ About him _ . About David, as if he’s ever fucking been there for any of it. 

Matteo bends his fingers forward, almost to lock David’s with his while his teeth sink into his lip, hard, while muttering something about not calling back. He talks for nearly a minute straight.

And although he can’t catch any of what his father then lamely excuses himself from, he catches Matteo bust his lip from refraining from speech. 

Matteo is quick to wipe away the blood. “Matteo,” He softly says under his breath. 

His dad switches over to German and David suddenly feels like he’s invading Matteo’s privacy. “Do you not want to talk about your life now?”

In response, Matteo immediately mutters something in Italian. “Ti sei perso e non puoi amare, non puoi amarmi.”

“What?” He asks, a harsh laugh after, drawing their conversation to German again, like he wants David to hear it, if he really noticed David’s here.

“I— ” Matteo lets out a sad chuckle before swallowing, and elevating his voice. “You don’t fucking remember?”

“Matteo, I’m confused,” He answers and it’s honest.  _ Too  _ honest.

David watches Matteo’s face flush all the way down to his neck, out of sheer frustration and confusion with all the feelings he had bottled up about his dad resurfacing. Matteo restates the phrase, speaking even faster, all the words muddling together.

This is one of the few times David’s heard Matteo raise his voice— and by a few times, he means it. There’s only been one other memory David has, besides two weeks ago, where Matteo was fuming. He’s not one to lash out.

 

~~~~~~

 

David feels his heart rate accelerating and his skin feels like it’s on fire. And he has no idea what to do in order to put an end to the burning sensation that’s making him feel like his skin is bubbling. 

He tries to ignore the stinging of his eyes, but his vision is obscured from the tears building up in his glossy eyes. David hasn’t had much experience with anxiousness and the only thing he’s known to help him is running away. 

He walks out of school and for the courtyard. David barely notices how chilly wind pushes at him, like a challenge. Once he reaches a picnic and drops his sports bag on the floor, immediately, wanting nothing to do with it. His legs suddenly feel as heavy as cement and he can’t move them.  _ Why _ , David wants to ask his body.

The only thing he can hear is the pounding of his heart, despite the loud wind and sounds of construction across the street because everything’s locking down. David is locking down and he can’t think straight and he just wants to leave.

He wants to run and every fiber in his bones are telling him to run, but get this…he can’t.  _ Why? _ The weight of his body feels like too much to carry, but he can’t have it happen again. He doesn’t want to stay. He doesn’t have any reason to—

“David?!” He hears the shout of Matteo’s voice and he instantly turns around. “Where the fuck are you going?” Before David can even properly respond, it dawns on him.

 

_ Oh yeah _ , that’s right. 

 

He fell in love. 

 

That’s why. That’s fucking why. 

 

“I can’t do it here, Matteo. I can’t. I can’t do it,” He shouts, managing to express what underlying want he has right now, starting to feel numb.

“So what are you gonna do? Fuck off?  _ Leave _ ?!” Matteo asks him and David looks to him in confusion, hands trembling at his sides. He just watches Matteo approach him, hands motioning while he yells, “You just going to transfer to another school and— and just forget us?  _ Leave? _ ” 

The way he says  _ leave _ each time sounds forced and pained.

David would ask why Matteo says it like that, but he comes to his senses and realizes what Matteo means.  _ Matteo can’t lose David _ and  _ David can’t leave Matteo _ . 

He’s a little too much in love with him to even actually consider leaving him.

“You’ve been here a year and you’re just gonna fucking leave and start a new life, again? Again?! Isn’t everything you want here?” Matteo’s words are honest and if David were thinking straight it would have lead him to wonder if the  _ everything he wants _ is  _ him _ .

David licks his chapped lips and his eyes widen. 

He’s never once had an encounter with Matteo where he’s so outwardly and clearly expressed what angers him. And apparently, today it’s  _ him _ .

“You can’t just leave because Mr. fucking Fischer did that. Please, David just be logical for a second and think it out before you go dissociate and isolate yourself because  _ I _ can’t be there for you if  _ you _ don’t let me!” Matteo shouts and him and David’s eyelids fall heavy.

“You didn’t— you didn’t even see it, Matteo!” David incredulously laughs. 

The he harshly reasons, “You didn’t see the way everyone fucking looked at me when he said  _ it. _ They looked at me like I— I don’t know. Like I’m weird and this alien from another planet! I can’t have the same things keep happening to me.”

“Then don’t let it!”

David blinks at Matteo, dubiously. “How the fuck do I do that?”

“Don’t let it ruin your life and the things— the people you…love. Don’t, David please. So what if everyone knows?” David’s too preoccupied with everything happening to even begin to think about the  _ People you love _ part. 

“So what?! Are you kidding?” David shouts. “Are you fucking kidding, Matteo?”

“Fine, run away!” Matteo says, matching his volume of tone and expression. “It won’t be any better than here because you didn’t even try to stay. I knew you would do this. Everything I fucking need doesn’t stay. Everything! Jesus, David. It’s like  _ I’m _ not good enough for you.”

“That— that’s not true.” David argues, voice falling to a softer tone.

“Who the hell cares if everyone in gym found out your trans because of our homophobic teacher?” 

Matteo swallows, running a hand through his hair. He adds, “They can’t talk about it forever. And it doesn’t matter if they don’t understand!  _ I _ understand.  _ I _ fucking understand, David. Jonas, Carlos, Abdi, Amira, Leonie, Sara, Mia, Hans, Linn, Laura, Hanna, they are  _ your _ people. They don’t care so why should you?!”

David swallows and his throat is dry. He should have thought his out. The boy he loves thinks he’s not good enough for anyone to stay and that’s just about to make David cry, over his own problems.

“I just,” David gasps for air, finally letting out a cry. “I— at my old school I couldn’t even go in the mens bathroom— and…” Every couple words he cuts himself off to try and breathe. “They would all call me by my old— name and they wouldn’t stop! They wouldn’t— stop.”

Matteo’s disposition entirely changes as he walks closer, now only a mere couple feet away from him.

“They wouldn’t stop,” David says, voice cracking. He blinks and his heart starts beating harder. 

David couldn’t even see Matteo go to hug him, he could only feel it. But, at least, he felt it. He wasn’t numb. He was hurt and he can feel Matteo making him feel better.

“It’s okay,” Matteo says while David’s head drops into the crook of his neck. 

Matteo says everything so calmly and quietly that David almost misses it. “It’s okay. I know, I’m sorry I yelled at you. I know it was hard, I know. I’m sorry I yelled at you…you just scared me and I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t mean to yell.”

David ruffles up Matteo’s sweatshirt, balling a fist full of the sleeve into his hand.

“I’m here. I promise it won’t be as bad.” Everything he’s saying sounds so nice that David’s breathing gets heavier and his cries get louder because he’s never had someone quite like Matteo. 

Laura’s probably the closest he’s had, but even  _ that _ kind of love is significantly different.

“In and out, Dav.’ In and out. It’s okay. We’re all here for you. All of us.”

And in that moment, through his choked cries, David prioritizes one thing. “We’re all here for you. All of us.”  _ Matteo is always going to be there for David. _ And he has to realize it’s a good thing— that he can’t leave. He’s just never been exposed to someone as ethereal as Matteo before.

 

~~~~~~

 

“That’s the last fucking thing you said to me before you left the fucking country. Do you really not remember?! Or were you too fucking drunk to remember?” He sharply accuses him, and that’s when David notices that Matteo’s hands are shaking. He soon feels it in the other hand he’s holding.

Naively, his father desists from Matteo’s burning questions. He changes the topic so quickly David’s lips fall agape. “Are you still friends with that…oh, what’s his name? David? I remember you two being real close” 

David clenches his teeth, unwarmly. He doesn’t get to remember who he is if he wasn’t there to properly meet him in the first place. 

“He’s here if you wanna say hi,” Matteo ironically says, with a sad smile, voice dulling. 

“David, how are you? Are you two dating now?” He asks and for some reason it hits David in the absolute worst way and he gets even more aggravated. This only further pushes David, competition coming to mind.

“When you left, you left everything behind. You don’t get to keep his number and call him years later, pretending you had no impact on him growing up. You don’t get to hear about his success if you weren’t the one who got him there. Jesus, how pathetic— ”

“— Listen, I didn’t call for any trouble.” David laughs, rolling his eyes.

“— It may surprise you that some of us stayed because I doubt you know what that looks like since you were too busy fleeing the country due to your ignorant fear of mental illness. You have no right to ask these— fucking bullshit questions when you—  _ yourself _ — have done nothing, but made everything so much worse.”

“I just wanted to see how he was doing, nice to speak with you, David. Maybe help him.”  _ Oh _ . How nice, much like the kind, caring father he was. David looks up to Matteo, for a split second, and notices he’s just watching him, body still stiff.

David’s ability for nuance and emotional generosity are gone, too far gone. “You want to solve things then? Fine. Be my fucking guest and pull the same shit you did four years ago. Things— believe it or not— got better when you left. So, do it again. I fucking dare you.” David shrewdly spits. 

He clears his throat and adds, “I hope one day you two will be more mature and willing to speak to me, in a respectful manner.”

“I’ll work on it,” David says, eyes gone entirely wide while ending the call

David disbelievingly scoffs. “Acting like he wasn’t an abusive piece of…” His words die down when he apprehends the fact that Matteo’s gone mute and is breathing unsteadily.

He squeezes their held hands. “Hey, Matteo. Matteo say something,” He gently coaxes him, but is only met with more sporadic breathing. He quickly moves his other hand to pull back Matteo’s hair, to see him. He’s met with tear-filled eyes that are threatening to burst.

“Matteo…Teo’ please, breathe. Te’?” David starts panicking. Matteo’s in shock. David can’t even begin to imagine the amount of memories and shock running through his mind, in comparison to him right now. 

And the tears start streaming down his face, creating a dangerous combination. Crying and breathing hard usually fuses into a panic attack. He flips his hand amongst their intertwined fingers so that they are properly holding hands, now.

His heart drops when Matteo’s other hand grabs his free hand. Matteo’s letting out little uneven, jagged breaths while strongly holding David’s hands, like he needs them. 

“I can’t…I can’t, Dav’ I can’t breathe— I can’t, David,” He cries and David can detect that he’s hyperventilating. 

Matteo’s shaking and David’s shaking and David doesn’t think he’s doing enough and he doesn’t think Matteo deserves someone who can’t help them. 

“Do— do you want me to call Jonas?” He frantically stammers. 

Matteo shakes his head,  “No I  _ want _ you. I  _ want _ — David, I  _ want _ you.”

If the circumstances were any different and he weren’t already preoccupied, he might have obsessed over the way Matteo asked for him, but he doesn’t have any time for that.

“Okay, is there anything I can do to help?” He asks, trying to keep himself calm. He needs to do it for Matteo. He searches Matteo’s eyes, but Matteo breaks contact and looks down. He squeezes their hands and Matteo squeezes his eyes shut, tears falling down.

David tries not to invade Matteo’s space. God, he wants to kiss Matteo senseless and tell him that—

 

_ Oh. _ David’s never thought that before. He’s never explicitly thought about that.

Of course he’s wondered what kissing Matteo would be like, but he’s never known if he’s really liked kissing, being that he’s never liked anyone else besides Matteo and he’s asexual. He’s never had this strong of an urge to kiss him, regardless of the many situations they find themselves tangled into. 

 

He snaps out of his thoughts when he feels Matteo’s body wrap around him and cling on— like he’s holding onto him for dear life because everything has made him so fragile that he’s convinced David is able to do something about it. 

“David— I’m sorry,” He manages to breathe out into David’s neck and he feels the wet teardrops already. “I’m too much— this. This is too much for you.”

“No, Matteo, it’s okay. Please don’t apologize. Nothing about this is your fault,” David insists, hating the way Matteo said he’s too much.

“I’m sorry— I’m sorry.” It’s all that Matteo seems to be able to choke out and David feels awful that Matteo thinks he should apologize for feeling things.

“I’m okay and you’re going to be okay. We’ll be okay. We’ll be okay together. I promise,” David says while brining Matteo even closer, almost as if he were to cradle him. He hopes to whatever God is out there that he didn’t  just lie and that they will be okay  _ together. _

 

Eventually, after a sleepless night, Matteo’s heavy body-wracking breathing and crying flattens out to quiet, tired breathing. David’s sure of one thing. Matteo doesn’t deserve to feel  _ this _ anxious and depressed for nearly 3 hours.

He looks down to Matteo’s chest rising and falling, against him. Each breath he huffs out sounds like he’s fighting his body for air because it doesn’t want it anymore. “It hurts  _ so _ fucking bad, David,” Matteo says at some point.

David wants to cry. He knows what that means. Everything hurts, but David's determined to try his hardest to make it not hurt as much once they get through midterms. He needs to, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys enjoyed because there's only like 2-3 more chapters left and I'd love to know if you guys are excited for them :)) Feel free to comment suggestions/predictions! Lots of love, Lucia ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Another friends to lovers au because I thought we needed even more? Absolutely :) this is why I wasn't updating my other work for a couple days because I was editing this. Comment if you want more/are excited for more because I live for your guys' comments!!!!


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